Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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