hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
