Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
