The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
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