Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
