It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
