I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
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there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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