Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
