What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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