I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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