Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
