I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
