But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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