if i can run in heels then i can drive
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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