It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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