Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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