How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
