I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
