did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
