I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
