Your face is a jimmy john
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
