yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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