he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
and she was petting her beer can
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
