I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Let's get the cat blown out
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
