he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
