you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Hippo gnu deer
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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