please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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