The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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