I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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