At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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