The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
