We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
