About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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