that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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