my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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