Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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