areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
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You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
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I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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