I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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