fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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