i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
