i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
