in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
