I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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