I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
