he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
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