guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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