saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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