i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
