Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
