____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
