I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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