Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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