you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
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