I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
