your parents love me but you hate me
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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